The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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