i don't like sucking hair
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
