Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
try to milk me bitch
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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