I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
