she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
