I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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