my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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