drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
