in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you traded sex for a burrito?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
