Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
