The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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