i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
