If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
