ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
