I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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