i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
