why didn't you poke me back
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
