i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize