paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize