david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
