i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
