My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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