she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
