maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
