The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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