I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So gin and wine won't be happening again
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
