a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
