After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
