eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
