4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
