I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
