after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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