If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize