Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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