The maid of honor just puked.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
