when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
