one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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