I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
