dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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