Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
