he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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