He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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