i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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