i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
