after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He? As in you personified your dick?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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