I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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