The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
