i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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