haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
