He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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