So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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