It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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