remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
