Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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