I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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