sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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